Truth with the tears.

The blog, the blog.
The question that runs through my mind is how exposed is this blog going to be.    I am torn between keeping it normal  or do I want to open up the pain and heart ache of the past four years.   Why am I torn with this issue?  Well, everyone knows somethings should not ever be written down.  I guess the biggest worry I truly have is that, others will read my words, and interpret them to mean something other than what I am saying.  This seems to be a theme that has always run through my life, I say something and others immediately hear it differently, or better yet take it completely out of content put their own spin on it and then claim it as my words.   It is a huge huge huge pet peeve I have, and have fought this issue many times in my life.  I am not quite sure where it comes from because I am the most open and straight forward person I can be.  I specifically do not beat around the bush, or speak in mixed words,  I try so hard to speak from the heart yet sadly people often hear what they want to hear.   I am going to attempt to write from the heart and express my feelings ( always remember they are the feelings at the moment, and they will change often through out life) regarding issues.
Next, I think how strange it is that this blog is titled about happiness and joy but it has a strong theme of sadness running through it.  I have always been a happy person, but things have changed.  I still now have to work very hard to be happy, because the majority of time tears are just behind my eyes.   As difficult as the tears are, what is worse is breathing through the pain that lives in my chest.  I actually am a shell of a person who is held together with a black ball of pain and tears.  I would never wish this feeling on anyone. 

The news for the day was, its a girl. 

When I first heard about a pregnancy, I knew it would be a girl. I prayed so hard for my daughter and have always dreamed to have granddaughters.  But,  its not to be for me.  
I begged to be forgiven for the crime I did not commit.   I knw that Allah knows the pain I feel inside myself, and I pray he guides me and helps me through it.  
Tears are following as I write this, so will return later to face this topic.  Have patience with me as I work through the topic.

Been sick for a week.

Well, it has been an interesting ten days since I wrote last.    I ended up with an upper respiratory issue, it wasnt actually a cold, but lots of congestion feeling in my chest.  My throat was very sore, and ears hurt and were itchy.  I did cough a bit but nothing seemed to loosen up the tightness in my bronchial tubes.  Had a lot of wheezing going on also.   Its the strangest thing to hear your lungs wheezing and squeaking.  This upper lung issue I think came about due to my adventure for week one of the year. At this stage of the blog, I am not sure who can read it, so I will not list the event yet, but promise to come back to it when I can.

Week One-

Also, I spent the weekend watching the Packer Game with Heemie and Adam at Buffalo Wild Wings.  Sadly, they lost the game, so will be waiting to watch next year.   Looking forward to trying to get tickets to Lambeau next season.

Had a horrible cold snap for a few days, and the temperatures went down to -40 degrees. Words can not even explain what -40 degrees feels like.   But as a result of the temps and being out in it, I ended up sick (see above) for over a week.

Adam left for Saudi on Thursday.  I am so proud of him, and how much he has grown up and matured over the last year.  He will be returning and starting a new job position in the near future.
Khalid and Steph left a few days before Adam, to return to Mississippi. It was fun having them home and we laughed a lot. Now time to settle down and look into Med School options for him, and get  him started on MCAT exams etc.

Week Two-    Spent Sunday afternoon with Mary, Jamal and Maya.  We had late lunch at Big Bowl in Roseville. Lynn was hoping to join us but in the end it didnt work out.   It was nice to spend the day with the girls, and talk about the issues that plague us.
Had a few days of tears, and lots of reflection.  Maybe my existence now is to search within myself to find a way to live with this darkness that haunts my mind.  I can push it aside and go on with my life, but I always feel the pain of the darkness as it always remains inside me.   Will my questions ever be answered,  or will time just slowly erase them and I will come to accept there are no answers.

January 4, 2014 Another year to work towards inner peace.

Here we are again. The beginning of a new year.  This blog outline is a bit confusing for me but I am going to try and fiqure it out.

Last year, worked hard on the events of 52 weeks.   Had many exciting adventures with friends and family, but sadly I did not keep up the running list of events.   Hopefully with learning a blig more on blogspot this year will be better.  

Started off the New Year with having all the kids home.   Slowly now they are all returning to their jobs and lives.  Kyle and Stephanie are enjoying their time in Mississippi and have learned so much in the first 6 months of living there.  Ebraheem and Mel are settled in Cedar Falls  Iowa and all is going really well. Ebraheem is enjoying his job, and Mel just recently moved into a new position at the bank.  Abdullah is home on vacation from Saudi.  I am so happy and pleased that all the them have achieved such success and have become wonderful caring men, but my babies are truly gone.  It is so hard on my heart, and I am stunned at how difficult this transition is for me.   I have spent my life giving them the best of everything, good education, opportunities to experience things most children can only dream about.  Its just difficult to wake up and not have something important to be doing with or for the children.  I know how truly blessed I am, but also I am saddened.   I never expected the empty nest syndrome to hit me so hard.

But for now, I still have Adam and Heemie home, and tomorrow we will be going to watch the Packer vs 49ers game.  Will be going to Champps this weekend.   The weather is suppose to be in the negatives, and the press is comparing tomorrows projected game to be similar to the Ice Bowl.   Inshallah, the team will do really well tomorrow.

Today Baba and I went looked for granite slabs for our new kitchen counter redecoration.  So far Sienna Cream is topping the list of our favorite picks.  I am going to go with Debbie on Monday and see what she thinks.   I think we may have found the slabs we have been looking everywhere to find. It is so pretty and unique.

Will keep you posted on the game scores tomorrow.   Go pack go !!!!!

Update on life.

It has been a fulfilling week. I get impatient at times as Adam searches for work.  He has been searching long and hard, and still nothing is panning out for him.  The thought is now that maybe a trip to Saudi is necessary and see if he can find work there.

I am now in my third week on WW and so far it is going well.  I have been following the program and its not to bad. The first week out, we actually ate out twice and I still lost weight.  At the weigh in for week 2, I was down 9 pounds.  I have been diligently tracking my meals and following the advise I am learning in our meetings. The challenge of building meals around vegetables has been very enlightening.  It took a lot of thought, but now it is kind of fun to do, and find ways to cut down on meats and up the vegetable intake.
Also regarding WW, I know I have to start incorporating exercise into this program.  Geez, I feel so lazy but I really dislike exercises. I guess thats not exactly true either, I just dont have a lot of faith in it.  Yes, I hate getting all sweating and gross, but more than that, I dislike that I cant seem to shed the thought that its all a bunch of bunk.  In the past, I have started programs and followed them and had no success.  I mean success in the sense of loosing any weight, or actually feeling better. Most of the time, I hate going, and I feel worse afterwards.  I know everyone says that shouldnt happen and that it will change, but so far nothing like that has ever occurred for me.   But with that said, I know I still have to start a program.  I am also hesitant because I fear it will stop my weight loss,, or hinder the success I am having with loosing weight, that will seriously depress me or push me over the edge.

Update of 52 weekly adventures.

1.  Bought beautiful Gerber Daisy Bouquet.
2. Minnesota History Center.

Week 3: Minneaspolis Institute of Arts.
I saw in the paper that there was an exhibit of the Terra Cotta Warriors and it was leaving Minnesota soon, so that became the event of the week.  Debbie, Adam and I went and made a nice day of it.  The exhibit was so amazing, and the tour guide presented a lot interesting information.  The discover of the warriors was in 1974, and the excavation has been amazing.  The museum was very large and we were not able to see all of it, but the exhibit we wanted was that on China and we saw some fabulous pieces.

I have no plans for next weeks adventure but it is fun looking forward to something. 

I can not say that I am necessarily feeling upbeat or happy, but no where near as sad as before, and I am at least working towards positive goals.  Not sure where this will take me but inshallah will either help ease my heart, or at least give it something to focus and lessen the pain.

Will come back and post some pictures of our outing to the Art Institute.

News In January

Wow, I have been busy.  Lots of activity going on, and plans for 2013.  This year I am making three resolutions.

1.  Weight Watchers
2. 52 Weeks of Fun Activities
3. Praying more consistently

I joined Weight Watchers on January 3rd. I was so nervous and anxious to start, and with the holidays etc, it took a few days to get sorted out.  I have now been on their great program for about 9 days, and am amazed at how easy it is.  The first few days since NYE were hard because I put myself though a detox process.  Getting off sugar was the toughest.  I felt achy and sick for a few days. I googled it and appeared to be the symptoms of sugar detox. Those days were not fun, but I am now doing much better. Although I do have the occasional craving for candy. The first week I have lost 5.4 pounds. There is no hunger pains, or real feeling of deprivation because with WW, you CAN have just about everything you want. Its all a matter of what YOU decide.  I feel very in control with this program, instead of the program being in control of me.  I feel hopeful that this time I may see a true success.

52 Weeks of Fun Activities is my second resolution.  I seem to have fallen into a rut. I attribute most of it to the sadness our family has been put through for the past two years, but enough is enough. So I came up with the idea of 52 Weekly activities.  There is no real rules or anything, its just a matter of find something new to do or to do something special for myself. To put myself and my needs on the list of things to get done. More importantly to fill the wallowing in depression time with something positive.

Praying more consistently is the most important resolution of them all.  As a Muslim I have slacked on my responsibilities due to sadness and heartache but need to remedy this.  Inshallah I can ease my heart and grow stronger in Islam and closer to Allah.  I thank him daily for the wonderful life I have and pray that the issue with be resolved as he deems.  I leave it to him, and know he will bless me with the proper outcome.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wanted to take a moment and send a pic of my new shoes from Macy's.  They are so unique and will be a great addition to my fantastic shoe collection.  Baba knows my love for shoes and refers to me as Emelda Marcos.  They are snazzy and I am looking forward to an event to wear them.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve and so far we have no real plans. The kids might decide something at the last minute but for now no plans.  Today we had a big dinner with all the kids. Made turkey and all the fixings. Kids gave Baba a Jawbone UP for his gift today. It was a belated birthday gift, he was in Saudi when it was his birthday. I am sure he will enjoy his gift and have many hours of fun competing with the kids. 

I am looking forward to Tuesday as I am going to be signing up for Weight Watchers program.  I received a free registration coupon and have decided this is something I will work on achieving this year.  I have been spending quite a bit of time thinking about what I want to accomplish this year.  I finally am feeling like myself again, but need to broaden my horizons and continue to grow in positive ways.   I did think of one more element that I intend to include in my life this coming year 2013.  I make the commitment to myself that this year, each and every week I will try something new.  It can be something simple, easy or daring and adventurous but must be new.  I will keep a running list of how this is going in my blog.  The prospect of this is actually a bit exciting and I am looking forward to it. After the hard two years we have recently had, its so great to be looking forward to healthy, positive experiences in my life.

Beginning of my bucket list.

One of the reasons I started this blog is to organize my own mind, wants and needs.  I have a few ideas bouncing around but have got a few items to add to my bucket list. This is just the beginning, but will continue to add items as they come to me.

                                                    BUCKET LIST

• Read War and Peace
• Learn Kava Fighting

Not much of a list yet, but will continue to work on it.  This coming Monday I am going to sign up for Weight Watchers.  Another long struggle but hoping this will give me the support and possible friendship I am missing.  Speaking of friends, I did contact the girls from bookclub and hope we can start that up again.