Truth with the tears.

The blog, the blog.
The question that runs through my mind is how exposed is this blog going to be.    I am torn between keeping it normal  or do I want to open up the pain and heart ache of the past four years.   Why am I torn with this issue?  Well, everyone knows somethings should not ever be written down.  I guess the biggest worry I truly have is that, others will read my words, and interpret them to mean something other than what I am saying.  This seems to be a theme that has always run through my life, I say something and others immediately hear it differently, or better yet take it completely out of content put their own spin on it and then claim it as my words.   It is a huge huge huge pet peeve I have, and have fought this issue many times in my life.  I am not quite sure where it comes from because I am the most open and straight forward person I can be.  I specifically do not beat around the bush, or speak in mixed words,  I try so hard to speak from the heart yet sadly people often hear what they want to hear.   I am going to attempt to write from the heart and express my feelings ( always remember they are the feelings at the moment, and they will change often through out life) regarding issues.
Next, I think how strange it is that this blog is titled about happiness and joy but it has a strong theme of sadness running through it.  I have always been a happy person, but things have changed.  I still now have to work very hard to be happy, because the majority of time tears are just behind my eyes.   As difficult as the tears are, what is worse is breathing through the pain that lives in my chest.  I actually am a shell of a person who is held together with a black ball of pain and tears.  I would never wish this feeling on anyone. 

The news for the day was, its a girl. 

When I first heard about a pregnancy, I knew it would be a girl. I prayed so hard for my daughter and have always dreamed to have granddaughters.  But,  its not to be for me.  
I begged to be forgiven for the crime I did not commit.   I knw that Allah knows the pain I feel inside myself, and I pray he guides me and helps me through it.  
Tears are following as I write this, so will return later to face this topic.  Have patience with me as I work through the topic.

Been sick for a week.

Well, it has been an interesting ten days since I wrote last.    I ended up with an upper respiratory issue, it wasnt actually a cold, but lots of congestion feeling in my chest.  My throat was very sore, and ears hurt and were itchy.  I did cough a bit but nothing seemed to loosen up the tightness in my bronchial tubes.  Had a lot of wheezing going on also.   Its the strangest thing to hear your lungs wheezing and squeaking.  This upper lung issue I think came about due to my adventure for week one of the year. At this stage of the blog, I am not sure who can read it, so I will not list the event yet, but promise to come back to it when I can.

Week One-

Also, I spent the weekend watching the Packer Game with Heemie and Adam at Buffalo Wild Wings.  Sadly, they lost the game, so will be waiting to watch next year.   Looking forward to trying to get tickets to Lambeau next season.

Had a horrible cold snap for a few days, and the temperatures went down to -40 degrees. Words can not even explain what -40 degrees feels like.   But as a result of the temps and being out in it, I ended up sick (see above) for over a week.

Adam left for Saudi on Thursday.  I am so proud of him, and how much he has grown up and matured over the last year.  He will be returning and starting a new job position in the near future.
Khalid and Steph left a few days before Adam, to return to Mississippi. It was fun having them home and we laughed a lot. Now time to settle down and look into Med School options for him, and get  him started on MCAT exams etc.

Week Two-    Spent Sunday afternoon with Mary, Jamal and Maya.  We had late lunch at Big Bowl in Roseville. Lynn was hoping to join us but in the end it didnt work out.   It was nice to spend the day with the girls, and talk about the issues that plague us.
Had a few days of tears, and lots of reflection.  Maybe my existence now is to search within myself to find a way to live with this darkness that haunts my mind.  I can push it aside and go on with my life, but I always feel the pain of the darkness as it always remains inside me.   Will my questions ever be answered,  or will time just slowly erase them and I will come to accept there are no answers.

January 4, 2014 Another year to work towards inner peace.

Here we are again. The beginning of a new year.  This blog outline is a bit confusing for me but I am going to try and fiqure it out.

Last year, worked hard on the events of 52 weeks.   Had many exciting adventures with friends and family, but sadly I did not keep up the running list of events.   Hopefully with learning a blig more on blogspot this year will be better.  

Started off the New Year with having all the kids home.   Slowly now they are all returning to their jobs and lives.  Kyle and Stephanie are enjoying their time in Mississippi and have learned so much in the first 6 months of living there.  Ebraheem and Mel are settled in Cedar Falls  Iowa and all is going really well. Ebraheem is enjoying his job, and Mel just recently moved into a new position at the bank.  Abdullah is home on vacation from Saudi.  I am so happy and pleased that all the them have achieved such success and have become wonderful caring men, but my babies are truly gone.  It is so hard on my heart, and I am stunned at how difficult this transition is for me.   I have spent my life giving them the best of everything, good education, opportunities to experience things most children can only dream about.  Its just difficult to wake up and not have something important to be doing with or for the children.  I know how truly blessed I am, but also I am saddened.   I never expected the empty nest syndrome to hit me so hard.

But for now, I still have Adam and Heemie home, and tomorrow we will be going to watch the Packer vs 49ers game.  Will be going to Champps this weekend.   The weather is suppose to be in the negatives, and the press is comparing tomorrows projected game to be similar to the Ice Bowl.   Inshallah, the team will do really well tomorrow.

Today Baba and I went looked for granite slabs for our new kitchen counter redecoration.  So far Sienna Cream is topping the list of our favorite picks.  I am going to go with Debbie on Monday and see what she thinks.   I think we may have found the slabs we have been looking everywhere to find. It is so pretty and unique.

Will keep you posted on the game scores tomorrow.   Go pack go !!!!!