Truth with the tears.

The blog, the blog.
The question that runs through my mind is how exposed is this blog going to be.    I am torn between keeping it normal  or do I want to open up the pain and heart ache of the past four years.   Why am I torn with this issue?  Well, everyone knows somethings should not ever be written down.  I guess the biggest worry I truly have is that, others will read my words, and interpret them to mean something other than what I am saying.  This seems to be a theme that has always run through my life, I say something and others immediately hear it differently, or better yet take it completely out of content put their own spin on it and then claim it as my words.   It is a huge huge huge pet peeve I have, and have fought this issue many times in my life.  I am not quite sure where it comes from because I am the most open and straight forward person I can be.  I specifically do not beat around the bush, or speak in mixed words,  I try so hard to speak from the heart yet sadly people often hear what they want to hear.   I am going to attempt to write from the heart and express my feelings ( always remember they are the feelings at the moment, and they will change often through out life) regarding issues.
Next, I think how strange it is that this blog is titled about happiness and joy but it has a strong theme of sadness running through it.  I have always been a happy person, but things have changed.  I still now have to work very hard to be happy, because the majority of time tears are just behind my eyes.   As difficult as the tears are, what is worse is breathing through the pain that lives in my chest.  I actually am a shell of a person who is held together with a black ball of pain and tears.  I would never wish this feeling on anyone. 

The news for the day was, its a girl. 

When I first heard about a pregnancy, I knew it would be a girl. I prayed so hard for my daughter and have always dreamed to have granddaughters.  But,  its not to be for me.  
I begged to be forgiven for the crime I did not commit.   I knw that Allah knows the pain I feel inside myself, and I pray he guides me and helps me through it.  
Tears are following as I write this, so will return later to face this topic.  Have patience with me as I work through the topic.